A history of Harmony Council

Our community is built around a dedication to nurturing enduring relationships that cultivate an open heart. In relationships where we invest ourselves deeply, challenge can often arise. We noticed early on that we would be well served to have some protocols in place in the event of conflict. And the process detailed below evolved (and continues to evolve) out of that need.

Harmony Council is the name a group of women in our community coined for a social technology that is designed to create a safe container to metabolize interpersonal friction. This model has served dozens of community circles by now, has even expanded beyond our TOTOH community, and has continued to iterate for various situations and configurations where conflict has arisen.

It is a living technology that is informed by our continued learning about what supports kinship and a beneficial unification of the 'We'.

The purpose of this practice

Conflict in a supported setting is an incredible opportunity to learn and grow with one another — the highest outcomes are harmony, increased self-awareness, greater intimacy, cultivated compassion and understanding, and clarified boundaries. We find that collective metabolization of interpersonal friction liberates massive amounts of creative energy for our service work, akin to the personal energy reclaimed doing individual shadow work and integration. We share this here freely, in hopes that this technology supports similarly deep shifts for you and yours.

This is the technology that we had in mind when we created this piece of the member agreement for the TOTOH Collective:

Conflict Transformation

In order to maximize a friendly, warm, inviting environment that is conducive to peaceful and harmonious relationships, we must each commit to doing our part to transform conflict between individuals where it arises. I agree to note when separation occurs between myself and other members, and I will take appropriate steps to return to a sense of connection. These steps may include a mediation with the other member.

The basic technology

Setting up a council. There are 5 roles within a council. Two who are in conflict (or who represent two sides of a larger conflict.) Two who act as support people, one for each side. And one neutral mediating facilitator. Each of these roles can potentially be held by more than one person. For instance, two co-mediators. 

Each of the people in conflict choose an ally, or support person, who they feel safe with, who is attuned to them at a nervous system level, tracking their needs, and ready to advocate for them in the council setting. Ideally these support persons are able to balance this tracking with the overall harmony of the council gathered. Additionally, there is a neutral mediator managing the flow of the whole conversation. We find that having at least five nervous systems in the room – all focused on harmony and getting needs met – offers abundant co-regulation, which supports metabolizing conflict at a deep level.

Timing. Typically the one assigned as facilitator creates a group text thread for coordination of the gathering. All people in one neutral place for at least two hours with minimal distractions is what we find is generally best. Having a buffer of time beyond two hours, if need be, is also supportive (as in, no one needs to rush out right at the strike of the hour). This is important, deep work, and it very much helps for all to feel spacious around the timing. These can also take place virtually, such as in a zoom room, though we have much less experience with that option, and the benefit of co-regulation is definitely minimized.

Variations. We have also had some experiences where the mediator and supporter roles were less defined, where everyone was holding for resolution and supporting the process together. (Though this seems to require a higher level of skill and aligned intention by all present to juggle the roles.) We do not recommend one participant having an ally and another not having one. We have had success with two neutral mediators and no assigned allies. This basic tech can be adapted to meet the needs and skill level of participants.